People around me are doing great things, reaching greater heights and achieving a lot.But i am not bothered by all these. All that worries me right now is something which is unsettled within me, which has to be settled soon.
The girl whom I discovered within self, is different and troubled. I have seen 3 different phases of myself in these 29 years of my lifetime. Yes! in the upcoming march I’ll be touching my 30s.
Starting from the very beginning, let me introduce the girl(myself) whom I remembered, wanted very little and did not need much from life. A tight lipped, thoughtful, sheepish, profound person who just had her world revolving around her family and books. An excellent student and an obedient girl of her parents, lived happily her present’s, without for sighting her future.
These remained her characteristic till she struck her teens and landed into the period generally known as YOUNG ADULTHOOD. Usually, its the prime and best phase of one’s life. It was then when she was high on life. She bloomed out from a little bud into a beautiful flower and began sparkling out into the world. From school, it was college now. She found a lifetime friendship and some really true friends during her college life, who completely transformed her into an ambivert. She lived a carefree life, riding high on optimism. She was passionate to do something really big irrespective of the hard work it may call for. A strong willed girl! YES, that was what she was. She loved moving forward just like a wave and keep growing through the journey of life. She had it in her to do just about anything. She hated being stagnant in life and wanted to continuously travel the journey of life. But when she thought she is at stage where she had complete control of life, then was the time for her to enter the next stage of life.
It was the settling in phase – the haziest one. It was then she got married and sat on a roller-coaster ride which has adjoining ups and downs in it. A girl’s life changes the moment she throws the rice behind during her vidaai. It clearly depicts that she is leaving behind the carefree life she once led. Its then when you feel nausea while sitting on a roller coaster and realize you can’t jump away in mid of the ride. Slowly, just after 2-3 rounds you get used to that feel and starts enjoying the ride. Same is the case with the marriage, it takes time to settle in, sometimes it might take years, but gradually you get used to that new life and added responsibilities.
For me also it took a long time, sometimes it was an amalgamation of countless emotions. At one moment, I was happy and smiling, suddenly the next moment my eyes were filled with tears and then it was fear and anxiety. It was no more a roller coaster but round and round,a mary-go-round. Same set of depressing feelings again and again, made me feel as if I was loosing a life within me.
Mine was an arrange marriage and when you make a new start, you make a lot of efforts to work it out. Sometimes at the cost of pretending and changing our true self. When we try to pose the best version of our self, thats the moment we start losing exactly who we are. We start compromising with our likes and dislikes and just try to be similar to others in our new family.
Though, I felt I was losing control on life that I once held on. I just let it pass. But, along this high-low journey I found a friend for life in my partner- my husband.
Its not that I am unhappy after marriage, its just that I miss my original form, whom I lost few years back when I entered this new house of mine. I miss waking up at odd hours, skipping my breakfast, moving out freely and travelling wildly with my friends and just living a stress free life.
From here, I don’t know where my life will lead me to. But, for now, I want to be my own therapist and listen to myself and resolve all my problems before entering yet another phase of life.( which certainly will come soon)
I wanna sit straight and just further enjoy this roller coaster, how high or low it takes me. I just wanna enjoy the ride of life.